Friday

Had a slightly better day. It didnt start off too great. Woke up crying again and cried a couple of times at work. Was collared by the manager who asked how things were going. I haven't mentioned too much about work but the last 3 months have been awful. Quite a lot of staff have left and they cannot be replaced due to "council cut backs". We now have 8 Payroll Officers, we used to have 23. Of the 8 of us left 3 are part time.

Anyway we had a chat and he's promised he is trying to put things in place to make the next couple of weeks easier (coming up to deadline and 2 of the full time staff are on annual leave and paternity leave), so hopefully things will improve. Another colleague has been off sick this past week, and "should" be in next week according to management, however the rest of us can't see him being back in. Two people at work have been offered sicknotes, and refused them as they don't want to let anyone down.

I think everyone is fairly convinced I won't be in next week. I'm not sure I will be myself, although being at home probably won't do me any good either, at least i'm keeping busy at work.

When I got home from work, I found 6 Crunchies had been posted through the door! This is related to my FB status last Friday, where I summed up a crap week, said thank F it's Friday and asked if anyone had a Crunchie!! Found out later that it was my Dad who put them through!

Weird Day

I had a bad day again today. The tears started as soon as I woke up. It's so strange to be crying and not knowing WHY.

Work was hard today. I'd just got in and was asked to send some information out to a Senior member of staff - I sent the wrong info and had to do it all again. I was passed the post and i'd looked through it 3 times before I realised that I hadn't actually registered anything on any of it, let alone taken out any of my work. Then I handed a few bits out to other colleagues. A bit later on an email came through about one of the pieces of work in the post, and I knew I'd seen it and that I'd passed it on. Looked through everyone's desk that I had handed post to, searched everywhere for an hour, then found it sat on my desk. I gave up and came home at that point.

I felt so strange today though at work. Felt "spaced out", like everything was happening around me but I wasn't really part of it. I used to take tranquilisers, and I felt like i'd taken 2 at once, used to get a similar feeling then.

It was Olivia's birthday today (my baby girl 12!) It was hard to get through this evening, and I feel so guilty that I can't seem to enjoy my children's birthdays.

Dreading work tomorrow, I really feel I can't function properly any more, I might as well have not bothered going in today with all the mistakes I made :(

Bad Day

Had a real downer of a day. All too common at the moment. Today was the 3rd day out of 5 (since last Thursday) that I have been in tears at work. The tears were already rolling down my face when my alarm went off this morning, and they didn't stop all day. Not quite a full on waterfall, just a constant trickle. If anyone is "nice" to me, the tears start again, so I need everyone to be horrible, haha. (And then i'd get all paranoid that everyone hates me and i'm horrible and don't deserve to be liked, so maybe nice is better, I don't know, my head hurts).

I've made an appointment to see the doc on Monday. I've been gradually getting more depressed over the last 12 months, and i've hit the point now where if I don't do something to help myself, i'll do something silly instead.

I want Barry (my stepdad) back. He "got" me like no one else seems to, and I knew that if I said something to him that sounded stupid to everyone else, that he would understand, he's had the same thoughts as me. He's given me many a pep talk, one of them being last December when I tried to jump in front of a car. I miss him lots :(

Changes

I've made a few changes, still playing around so things may change again!

I took on board the comments after my last post, and have decided to brighten things up a little around here. I've taken off my ticker as there's not much point in it being there at the moment!

I've changed the name of my blog to GemsStory, rather than GemsWWStory, as theres not much WW going on at the moment. I'm not too sure yet what, if anything, i'll be talking about! I have so much going around in my head right now, but i'm going to try to use this blog to "get well" again.

I'm leaving my pics up for now to remind of what I can do when I'm well and coping and life is good and that life won't always feel this crap :)

Erm - Hello!

Yes I went awol again. Still haven't sorted my head out, still gaining weight. I just don't know what to do to get myself out of this rut.

Someone called me a "fat cow" the other day. Wow, that hurt. I mean, I know i've gained a lot of weight and I am hugely overweight again, but to overhear someone say that, it was a sharp slap in the face.

It's led to me having a total breakdown the last 2 days. None stop crying, and the worst thing, instead of giving me a kick up the backside, i've eaten loads. Can't stop shoveling it in :(

Rarrrr I hate me :(

Behaving Myself!

First of all , thank you to Tim for such a lovely comment on my last post :)

My kick up the arris on Saturday seems to have done the trick so far! I have been eating healthier, and I have cut out all the rubbish (cakes, pastries, chocs, crisps, bombay mix, cola/cherryade), haven't had any all week so far.

I got the courage together to weigh myself on Sunday, on the Wii, and as expected I have gained 3 stones, since April :/ Im now back up to 18.5 stone or 258 lbs.

I think my body is on a crash down from it all though, I have been having headaches, and my stomach, without going into TMI, is off! Probably withdrawals from the thousands of calories and all the sugar/fats I was scoffing.

SO you can get an idea of what I was eating on a typical day (im doing this to shock myself too, it always looks worse written down)

Breakfast - 2 toasted teacakes drowning in butter

Morning snack - banoffee flapjack

Lunch - sandwich (usually a large baguette), or 2 pasties, followed by a cake or danish pastry

Afternoon stodge (too much for a snack) - packet crisps (usually a big Grab Bag), bar of choc (normal size), can of cherryade/cola. I have been known to buy 3 iced fingers or large cookies and eat them all

Dinner - lots of takeaways, either chicken burger & chips, or Mighty Meaty (10 imch) pizza, with onion rings & garlic bread, or a chinese/indian

Evening - packet bombay mix or large bag crisps, large bag M&M's or family size choc bar, and sometimes a double pack of cake (choux buns, new york cheesecake, raspberry turnovers)

Yak

Been AWOL and Struggling

So its almost 3 months since my last post. I fell totally off the WW wagon, yet again. I have binged my way back to an unhealthy weight, i'm now struggling to get into size 22 clothes.

Yesterday I went to a meet off a forum i'm a member of, and having seen the photos ive realised what i've done to myself.

So im giving myself a big kick up the arris to do something about this, it cant carry on. I know a lot of this is emotional eating, its my way of "self harming" I suppose. I need to sort my head out, am going to try to find a counsellor to help me. I want to try to avoid taking any medication.

I havent weighed myself, i'm too ashamed :(