No Tablets Yet

Still havent got around to picking up my prescription for the tablets. On Monday it was to late to get to the chemist after the docs.

Yesterday was a whirlwind. Had to take Kieron to Alder Hey, and he has been booked in for an operation on Tuesday (eek, panic), then came home, fed and watered the family, and had to be out the door again as I was meeting a friend, who'd very kindly offered me a free ticket for Peter Kay. I'm not his biggest fan, but I had a good night. It did me the world of good to get out of the house and to have a good laugh :)

Today, the chemist closes at 3, so by the time I was home from work it was too late.

So fingers crossed I should have them tomorrow. But typical things is, I don't feel too bad at the moment. All that crying I did last week seems to have stopped and i'm not ALWAYS on the verge of tears, just once or twice a day now. However, this happened last time, so I decided not to take the tablets and look where I am now.

Am off out again in a little while (2 nights on the run, shock horror), am going to the pictures with my old WW buddy Catherine, she'll get a shock when she sees me, and not a nice one. I really need to curb this "eating everything in sight" malarky!

Depression Questionnaire

Last time I went to the Dr, he did a questionnaire and I scored 14, he didnt do one today, so thought I would do my own - the results are below, and theres no surprises there. These results were after being truly honest with myself, not telling little lies like I did to the doc.

You have reached level 59 on the Goldberg scale.

0 - 9	Depression unlikely	21 - 35	Minor to moderate depression
10 - 17	Possibly minor depression	36 - 53	Moderate to severe depression
18 - 21	On the verge of depression	54+	Severe depression

Weekend and Monday

The weekend, all in all, wasn't too bad. I didn't cry all day Sat or Sunday, until about 30 minutes after jake came home from his regular Sunday at his Nanna's. I don't like to say this but he DRIVES ME CRAZY. I really can't cope with his behaviour, I will have to make a list of what he does, but basically, everything he does bugs me. He doesn't listen to a damn thing I ask him to do, his room and every other room he has been in is a wreck. He wets the bed most nights, so having to deal with that is annoying, although obviously I know it's not his fault.

On Sunday, myself and Darren and Olivia and Elliot went on a tour around Reebok Stadium, home of the (not so mighty) Bolton Wanderers. It was a good hour and a half, very interesting, although I wasn't too keen on having to climb 6 flights of stairs to get to the commentators gallery, 89 feet above the pitch!

I have been to the Dr today. Not much use really. He's given me some antidepressants, Citalapram, which I'm not sure if they sent me even more cuckoo last time I tried them. Have to go back and see him in two weeks.

Almost forgot. After the tour we went for a meal. I was opposite a mirror. Yuk. I look like my before picture again :(

Friday

Had a slightly better day. It didnt start off too great. Woke up crying again and cried a couple of times at work. Was collared by the manager who asked how things were going. I haven't mentioned too much about work but the last 3 months have been awful. Quite a lot of staff have left and they cannot be replaced due to "council cut backs". We now have 8 Payroll Officers, we used to have 23. Of the 8 of us left 3 are part time.

Anyway we had a chat and he's promised he is trying to put things in place to make the next couple of weeks easier (coming up to deadline and 2 of the full time staff are on annual leave and paternity leave), so hopefully things will improve. Another colleague has been off sick this past week, and "should" be in next week according to management, however the rest of us can't see him being back in. Two people at work have been offered sicknotes, and refused them as they don't want to let anyone down.

I think everyone is fairly convinced I won't be in next week. I'm not sure I will be myself, although being at home probably won't do me any good either, at least i'm keeping busy at work.

When I got home from work, I found 6 Crunchies had been posted through the door! This is related to my FB status last Friday, where I summed up a crap week, said thank F it's Friday and asked if anyone had a Crunchie!! Found out later that it was my Dad who put them through!

Weird Day

I had a bad day again today. The tears started as soon as I woke up. It's so strange to be crying and not knowing WHY.

Work was hard today. I'd just got in and was asked to send some information out to a Senior member of staff - I sent the wrong info and had to do it all again. I was passed the post and i'd looked through it 3 times before I realised that I hadn't actually registered anything on any of it, let alone taken out any of my work. Then I handed a few bits out to other colleagues. A bit later on an email came through about one of the pieces of work in the post, and I knew I'd seen it and that I'd passed it on. Looked through everyone's desk that I had handed post to, searched everywhere for an hour, then found it sat on my desk. I gave up and came home at that point.

I felt so strange today though at work. Felt "spaced out", like everything was happening around me but I wasn't really part of it. I used to take tranquilisers, and I felt like i'd taken 2 at once, used to get a similar feeling then.

It was Olivia's birthday today (my baby girl 12!) It was hard to get through this evening, and I feel so guilty that I can't seem to enjoy my children's birthdays.

Dreading work tomorrow, I really feel I can't function properly any more, I might as well have not bothered going in today with all the mistakes I made :(

Bad Day

Had a real downer of a day. All too common at the moment. Today was the 3rd day out of 5 (since last Thursday) that I have been in tears at work. The tears were already rolling down my face when my alarm went off this morning, and they didn't stop all day. Not quite a full on waterfall, just a constant trickle. If anyone is "nice" to me, the tears start again, so I need everyone to be horrible, haha. (And then i'd get all paranoid that everyone hates me and i'm horrible and don't deserve to be liked, so maybe nice is better, I don't know, my head hurts).

I've made an appointment to see the doc on Monday. I've been gradually getting more depressed over the last 12 months, and i've hit the point now where if I don't do something to help myself, i'll do something silly instead.

I want Barry (my stepdad) back. He "got" me like no one else seems to, and I knew that if I said something to him that sounded stupid to everyone else, that he would understand, he's had the same thoughts as me. He's given me many a pep talk, one of them being last December when I tried to jump in front of a car. I miss him lots :(

Changes

I've made a few changes, still playing around so things may change again!

I took on board the comments after my last post, and have decided to brighten things up a little around here. I've taken off my ticker as there's not much point in it being there at the moment!

I've changed the name of my blog to GemsStory, rather than GemsWWStory, as theres not much WW going on at the moment. I'm not too sure yet what, if anything, i'll be talking about! I have so much going around in my head right now, but i'm going to try to use this blog to "get well" again.

I'm leaving my pics up for now to remind of what I can do when I'm well and coping and life is good and that life won't always feel this crap :)

Erm - Hello!

Yes I went awol again. Still haven't sorted my head out, still gaining weight. I just don't know what to do to get myself out of this rut.

Someone called me a "fat cow" the other day. Wow, that hurt. I mean, I know i've gained a lot of weight and I am hugely overweight again, but to overhear someone say that, it was a sharp slap in the face.

It's led to me having a total breakdown the last 2 days. None stop crying, and the worst thing, instead of giving me a kick up the backside, i've eaten loads. Can't stop shoveling it in :(

Rarrrr I hate me :(