Week Two Done - Weigh In Result

I lost 2lbs this week. Again I feel disappointed! Silly isn't it?! So that is 7lbs in 2 weeks - which is good and I have to concentrate on remembering that!

There have been so many times in week 2 when I have wanted to eat something I shouldn't, or eyed up chocolate but walked out of the shop without buying it. So many I think, that I really wanted to see a bigger reward for my willpower!

Another thing is that hubby ate loads more than me, had chocs, crisps, a chip barm AFTER his tea as he was still hungry, etc etc, and he lost 4 lbs - that is so unfair!! But he's got all cocky with it now, so i'm hoping a gain bites him on the ass this week and teaches him a lesson!

Still Going Well...

But I am struggling sooooo much today. It is one year today since Barry died. I stupidly went in to work this morning, and although on the edge of emotional felt ok. Then I had a horrendous client on the phone, screaming/shouting/ranting and just basically telling me her whole was shit and it was my fault. She did end up apologising before the end of the call, and I kept calm. Put the phone down, and that was it, niagara falls coming out of my eyes.

Emailed my supervisor, saying I was in a state and could I go home and she sent me off.

I bought my mum some flowers, then went to see her. I also bought some balloons for me, my mum and the children to release with messages attached, so we could send them "up to heaven".

All these emotions are playing havoc though. I want to EAT. I want CHOCOLATE and LOTS of it. I want to eat whatever the hell I feel like eating. Grrrrr.

I have been really good though, no chocs/crisps or anything. Even on WWers I would still have WW choc bars and low calorie crisps, but I figure i'm best to cut out temptation totally.

Also, I went for a walk last night! First time in what must be 10 months that I have actually walked anywhere. Went about 2 miles, which is nothing to what I used to do, but oooooh my legs and hips are feeling it today! Am hoping to make it a regular thing though, its with one of the mums from school, so it does us both good to get out of the house for an hour or so.

Week One Done - Weigh In Result

Weighed in this morning - i've lost 5 lbs in my first week. So am now 21st 3lbs, or 297 lbs.

I know that is a loss.

I know 5lbs is a fairly good sized loss.

I know these things, yet I still feel disappointed. WHY!?? I immediately went through my food diary, trying to pin point things I maybe shouldn't have had. Then I thought about all the things I wanted to eat, and managed not to, and am thinking, "I may as well have had them". All sorts of crazy stupid things running through my head.

Wish someone could wave a wand over me so I could stop thinking!

I Survived..

...a full week at work, with no tears, and didn't feel upset or even close to crying once! Even when people ask "how are you doing?", and give me THAT look of pity, the look guaranteed to bring on tears a few weeks ago, I was fine!

I haven't had any binges, haven't succumbed to the urges and the constant stream of rubbish running through my head. For example, went to the cinema on Weds night. I was feeling hungry still as didn't have a lot for tea. I had to go to the shop to pick up a few bits, and i'm walking round thinking "what should I get". Looked at choccies, popcorn, crisps, sweets. Didn't buy any. Thought I might buy some at the cinema instead. Bought a Sprite Zero at the cinema, no sweets or anything. Even considered buying a huge hot dog, but didn't. Then sat down to the film (The Iron Lady - really enjoyed it), and running through my head was, "I could get a Burger King on the way home", or "a chicken wrap is better value for money than BK". In the end I didn't buy anything (GO me!), and had nothing else to eat that night. But that is an example of what is going through my head, constantly. It's so annoying. One blip and I just know i'll start eating.

But, pat on the back for me, so far I am beating my demons :) It will get easier the more I ignore these little voices.

Actually, I did just have a binge. I ate loads of carrot sticks, lol. Does that count?!

Looking forward to weigh in on Monday, fingers crossed for a good result to keep me going. Hubster has been eating healthier since 1st Jan, and has lost a stone.

Well....

..... I know it's only day 2 but it's going well so far!! Yesterday, I had NO chocolate, or cake, or crisps, or biscuits. I was a good girl.

So far so good today too. Although still have around 5 hours before bed! But i've just eaten my tea and am stuffed to the gills, so shouldn't need anything else. I have some bananas and little orange things (not sure if they are clementines or not!), so they will suffice if I need nibble later.

I've survived 4 days at work so far, without any tears or stress. Doesn't sound much, but bearing in mind I couldn't get through 1 day without crying a couple of months ago, it's all steps in the right direction :)

There is a big box of Thornton's chocolates on the end of my desk at work (for some reason when people bring in chocolates/sweets they always end up at the end of my desk). Also, our office is right above the shop where they serve food. Bacon/sausage butties, toast etc until 10.30, then sandwiches and hot food. So we can smell foooood all day. It's like torture! And it's no wonder i've struggled with my diet since being in that office. We are moving in a few weeks though, so no more shop, which can only be a good thing!

Look - Up There ^

I've got a new ticker, eek!

It's about time I got cracking again and got some weight off. I weighed myself this morning on the Wii. Am 21 stones and 8 lbs, or 302 lbs, so not great, but not as bad as I thought. I can't let myself get above 315 lbs, which was my start weight last time.

I haven't got a plan of action yet, or meal plan or anything, just going with the flow for a couple of weeks and trying not to buy rubbish to pig out on in the evenings.

I've just had chicken fajitas for dinner, oooof, my mouth is on fire! (I used the whole packet of spices) Don't need anything else today, I wouldn't be able to taste it anyway!

Getting Back To Reality (Hopefully)

Firstly, thank you to everyone who took time to comment on my last post, it's good to know there are people out there supporting me :)

Also, very interesting point regarding the boiler and the carbon monoxide poisoning. Since the boiler has been out of action I haven't felt half as tired or suffered as many headaches! It could be linked I suppose. We now have a new boiler, hot water is so luxurious!! I really didn't realise how much I took it for granted!

I went back to work today. Eeek. Decided to go back on a Thursday so I can ease myself in for a couple of days before attempting a full week. My GP was very supportive, made sure I wasn't feeling pressurised in to going back, and said i've to go straight back to him if they start making life difficult for me, or I need any additional support.

All the backlog of work I was struggling with, has been cleared. So i've been basically given a clean slate (and around 100 emails) to get started with. I've only been given about 70% of my work back, initially for 4 weeks, then will start to increase back to my normal work load. So fingers crossed I can start to get back to normal again.

It is coming up to a year since Barry died, and I am hoping that psychologically that may be a turning point for me. Maybe now that all the "firsts" without him have happened, I can start to move on again, stop this stupid emotional eating. I'm cutting down already (or trying to). i'm totally skint, but it's like when I used to smoke, I always found the money for cigarettes, now I always seem to find the money for chocolate/other crap I could do without!

Long Time No Blog

It's been a while! Not much has changed. I'm still off work but planning to go back on Monday, although I have to see my doc again this week.

I went to the appointment about the weight loss clinic. It was embarresing to say the least. Went to reception and she said to take a seat with the rest of the them. They might as well have got the branding irons out, a group of people sat on chairs (I wasn't the biggest but not far from it), in front of a big sign saying "Adult Weight Loss Clinic", all segregated off from the rest of the waiting area. Then when they came out, they marched us all through the waiting room, therefore through the other waiting patients, into a room together. The plan sounds ok, and very well managed, but all appointments are on a Monday, Tuesday or Weds morning, which is no use for me when i'll be at work.

I've had a crap Xmas and New Year. I smashed my oven door a few days before Xmas, and the oven has been knackered for ages anyway, so need a new one. I cried every day, except Xmas day, from Christmas Eve to New Years Eve. The first Xmas without Barry, and it was emotional, he was always a big part of Christmas Day. On Boxing Day the boiler packed up, so we have no heating or hot water. British Gas have condemned it, we need a new one. Not impressed, so no oven, no heating, no hot water. Grrrreat!

Also, I had a cold 2 weeks before Xmas, then a stomach upset that lasted almost a week, then started with a chest infection on Xmas Eve, which is ongoing. Aaaaand Kieron started being sick at 8.30pm on Xmas Eve and is still not 100% now. It's awful trying to clean up after him with no hot water too!

I told myself, New Year New Start. Got to get back to losing weight. But i'm struggling to feel any different/more positive. I am going to stop with the binge eating though. I've started doing cross stitch again, so it keeps my hands busy in an evening instead of reaching for food. I'm going to weigh myself, but I have a feeling i'll be over the 23 st limit on the Wii :(

Hope everyone has had a better time than me over the festive period! Thanks Tim for your Christmas Wishes, which I have only just seen :)