Weigh In No 4

Been to group tonight and have lost another pound.  Am really quite chuffed with that, as its the time of the month so have been feeling bloated all week.  I also treated myself to a chinese last week, had chicken chow mein, which is ok on SW as its noodles and chicken, but I also had prawn toast.  Have learnt my lesson there, I didn't need the prawn toast, but crammed it in anyway, and left myself feeling sick and horrible for the rest of the night.

I also had my works Xmas lunch yesterday, which was a 3 course meal, so to have still lost a pound i'm happy.  (I had soup of the day which was broccoli, risotto with ham, peppers & onions, and tiramisu for pudding, which was worth having.  It tasted so good, food tastes so much better when you wait and look forward to it, rather than having it all the time (I ate cakes by the packet before SW - 2 cream cakes wouldn't last long with me!)

My friend Catherine, who comes with me, lost 4lbs this week, so 12.5 in total.  I think we've both done fabulously well.  When we joined just 4 weeks ago, I was going to set a target of losing a stone before Xmas but thought that would be too big a target, but i've smashed that by 6.5 lbs :))

Holy S#!t!

Ha ha, sorry, but that sums up exactly what I thought when I stood on the scales tonight!  I've lost another 6 lbs this week!  That's 19.5 lbs in 3 weeks.  Wow!  I'm starting to wonder if my limbs are falling off in my sleep or something!

I didn't stick exactly to plan on Friday and Saturday as was feeling very ill, with flu like symptoms, but it wasn't full blown flu as I could move about!  But I have been sticking to it the rest of the time.  Even ordering in takeaways on a Friday for the family, while still being good myself!  I am going to treat myself to a chinese tomorrow night though, think I've earned a chicken chow mein!

Wow Again!

Ha ha, couldn't think of a better title!!  I lost another 3.5 lbs this week (ooooh so close to a stone!).  So 13.5 lbs in 2 weeks, can't grumble at that!  Am so pleased, have surpassed what I thought I could do before Xmas.  People have asked what the point is in joining SW just before Xmas, but I think this proves I have done the right thing.  Otherwise, I would have been joining in January, weighing more that I have ever done in my life, and possibly 2 stones heavier than I am now.

I've had a very positive week.  Things aren't getting me down as much, I haven't had any tears this week, and no feelings of hopelessness, or anything negative really.  So all's good!!

Bring on that one little 1/2 a pound next week for a stone off!  Pretty please god of the scales?!!

Oh, and I got Slimmer of the Week in class too :D

Wow!

My first weigh in after a week of slimming world, and i'm very pleased with how it's gone.  I lost 10lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been really good, and really enjoyed it too.  I have been doing actual cooking, from scratch, and its been a while since I did that!  On Sunday I made chilli beef noodles, it was lurverly!  On Monday I made chicken tikka massala (which wasn't quite so lurverly, but I was missing a few ingredients, haha!).  On Tuesday I made a chilli, and had it with rice and it was delish!!  I had left over chilli on a jacket potato last night.  All the recipes were from the Slimming World website.

So all in all, I have eaten well, I haven't once felt hungry, and it feels good to be back in control :)

It's bin day today, and when I was putting the bin out this morning I realised it was only 3/4's full, normally it's bursting at the seams.  The only thing I can think is it's because there's no takeaway packaging (been having 2-3 takeaways per week), fewer chocolate/crisp wrappers (there's still some as hubby hasn't joined in yet!), and no cake tubs etc!

Ahem, Is There Anybody Still Out There?

Hello, it's been quite a while, thought I would update.

I've had an awful time of things since August.  Things were pretty bad and i'm still recovering but getting there.  I became very depressed (I have been heading steadily down hill for nearly 2 years now), and got all suicidal.  I took a couple of overdoses and the crisis team were involved for a while.  I'm having CBT appointments now and things are getting better.  I'm being a good girl and sticking to my meds too.

I have gained back all the weight I lost on WW.  Last night I joined Slimming World.  I'm looking forward to getting back into and seeing my weight come off again.  Hopefully this will help a whole heap of things that have been depressing me and I can start living again, rather than just "being".

For anyone who has been reading my blog a while, Kieron turned 3 last Saturday, where the heck did those 3 years go!?!

No More Excuses!

I have realised that my weight gain all comes down to excuses.

It started with "I don't like the new WW plan".  And from there I must have used every excuse in the book to avoid doing anything for myself, and it all snowballed into me gaining back all the weight and leaving me in a pit of self pity.

Well, no more excuses!!  I am thinking more positively from now on.  It might mean me having a little fight inside my head about almost every decision I make, but the more I think positive thoughts, the more I will get used to doing so and those decisions will become easier and easier.

After my counselling appointment this week, my plan of attack is -
to continue to improve and increase my walking
to weigh and measure myself, and take a before photo
to go for a walk with the boys after I promised them I would last week
to "play" more with the children, especially on the Wii as that gets me moving and we all enjoy it

So, I have weighed myself and updated my ticker.  I was being good from Monday and I weighed myself on Thursday, I was the same weight as last time I weighed and started the new ticker (302 lbs).  I have a before pic (yuck) which I will get around to uploading.  Haven't measured myself yet, will have to get a new tape measure as mine seems to have gone walkies.

Yesterday, myself and my children met up with my exercise buddy and her son to go for a walk.  My right hip was hurting before we set off, so I was convinced I wouldn;t make it very far.  Twice I almost turned back because it was closer than carrying on, but in the end we walked for an hour and 40 minutes.  Was very proud of myself, and we all enjoyed it.

I've been trying to eat healthier too, although I still have a way to go with that.  But twice hubby has come home from the shop with choc and sweets for me and I have refused them.  Why he keeps doing that I don't know.  I dont think he wants me to get skinny again.

Reality Check!!

Last time I joined WW, it was because I had to ask my then 9 year old daughter to help me put my socks and shoes on.  I REALLY struggled this morning to get my shoes on :(  So I NEED to start doing something about it.

Plan of action is :-  start walking again.  I can't go far at the moment as my back hurts so much after just a few minutes, but i'm starting with parking a little further away each day on the school run.

Print off my fave "thin" pic, one on the fridge, one in my bag to go EVERYWHERE with me to remind me of how happy/confident I was and where I am trying to get back to.

Think about joining WW again.  I'll have to find another class for now, i'm way too embarrassed to go back to the same one, after being a big success story there.

I also had a good chat with a friend from school (eek almost 20 years ago!), who I have recently hooked up with and we are going to try and support each other and be exercise buddies.

Forgot to mention in my last post that I have secured a job at work, enough people chose to leave on voluntary redundancy so thats a weight off.

Second counselling session went well, we came up with my plan of attack above!

All Change!

I haven't been here for a while, and blogger has all changed, it's confused me!

I haven't done anything about my weight, other than to carry on gaining it :(

I've started to see a counsellor through work, only had my first session, and it was hard to talk about some of the thoughts and feelings I have, but the lady seems really nice and i'm hoping it will help.  She asked me to think about doing things to help me feel better about myself, after I told her I hate myself, so this weekend I dyed my hair!!  Small steps!  I've also stooped going on a pregnancy forum i'm a member of, I was getting so caught up thinking about other peoples problems it wasn't doing me any good, so I figure its best to stay away. I've come off Facebook too, although that is only temporary.  Again, I was spending too much time on there, so i'm going to spend time doing other things, only for a week or so.  It's like going cold turkey on hard drugs though!!  I feel so cut off and isolated from the world!

I've been to a few football matches too, I used to have a season ticket at Bolton but haven't been for years, but we have 3 season tickets now, one is for our nephew and he hasn't been wanting to go so I upgraded it to an adult.  I've been enjoying it, despite the fact it's Bolton and they are almost defo relegated! Am quite looking forward to Championship footy next season!!

Ooops, AWOL Again

I fell off the wagon again. Haven't weighed myself but I undid all the good work I did.

I've been really down again, been avoiding people and going anywhere. Am just so fed up with everything. My marriage is crap, my children are driving me crazy (the youngest 2, they are so like their dad, and he drives me mad too). Kieron is whirlwind, if something doesn't move he climbs it. He makes up for it by being exceptionally cute and doing "the big blue eyes" at me! Still it's hard work going to work every day, and coming home to a zoo every night. It's chaos!

Work is another issue, my job is being made redundant due to a merger of 2 sections, so we have to fill out suitability forms to see if we can be slotted into a role on the new structure. It would be easier to apply for a new job! We have to fill out an 8 page document, which they will then come up with 6 key roles of the job which you have to provide evidence that we fulfill, and which will lead to a "chat" to see if we are suitable. Apparently this is not an interview, but we will be asked questions and be expected to give an indepth answer (is this not an interview then). If we are not successful at the end of all that then bye bye! I could put in for voluntary severance before this and get an extra 12 weeks redundancy pay, but then I risk no job at all. Its very handy where I am at the moment with having young children, they allow me to be very flexible.

Speaking of children, they are all on a loop of illness! It has been 6 weeks now since there hasn't been someone ill. We've had sickness bugs, chest infections, throat infections and a recurrent ear infection, which all me ready to drop in a heap and cry (and I regularly do!).

I hate moaning, and that is all I seem to do at the moment. I need to try to think positively but I just can't seem to find anything to be positive about. Still, I haven't had chocolate for 3 days, so thats one positive!!

Week Two Done - Weigh In Result

I lost 2lbs this week. Again I feel disappointed! Silly isn't it?! So that is 7lbs in 2 weeks - which is good and I have to concentrate on remembering that!

There have been so many times in week 2 when I have wanted to eat something I shouldn't, or eyed up chocolate but walked out of the shop without buying it. So many I think, that I really wanted to see a bigger reward for my willpower!

Another thing is that hubby ate loads more than me, had chocs, crisps, a chip barm AFTER his tea as he was still hungry, etc etc, and he lost 4 lbs - that is so unfair!! But he's got all cocky with it now, so i'm hoping a gain bites him on the ass this week and teaches him a lesson!

Still Going Well...

But I am struggling sooooo much today. It is one year today since Barry died. I stupidly went in to work this morning, and although on the edge of emotional felt ok. Then I had a horrendous client on the phone, screaming/shouting/ranting and just basically telling me her whole was shit and it was my fault. She did end up apologising before the end of the call, and I kept calm. Put the phone down, and that was it, niagara falls coming out of my eyes.

Emailed my supervisor, saying I was in a state and could I go home and she sent me off.

I bought my mum some flowers, then went to see her. I also bought some balloons for me, my mum and the children to release with messages attached, so we could send them "up to heaven".

All these emotions are playing havoc though. I want to EAT. I want CHOCOLATE and LOTS of it. I want to eat whatever the hell I feel like eating. Grrrrr.

I have been really good though, no chocs/crisps or anything. Even on WWers I would still have WW choc bars and low calorie crisps, but I figure i'm best to cut out temptation totally.

Also, I went for a walk last night! First time in what must be 10 months that I have actually walked anywhere. Went about 2 miles, which is nothing to what I used to do, but oooooh my legs and hips are feeling it today! Am hoping to make it a regular thing though, its with one of the mums from school, so it does us both good to get out of the house for an hour or so.

Week One Done - Weigh In Result

Weighed in this morning - i've lost 5 lbs in my first week. So am now 21st 3lbs, or 297 lbs.

I know that is a loss.

I know 5lbs is a fairly good sized loss.

I know these things, yet I still feel disappointed. WHY!?? I immediately went through my food diary, trying to pin point things I maybe shouldn't have had. Then I thought about all the things I wanted to eat, and managed not to, and am thinking, "I may as well have had them". All sorts of crazy stupid things running through my head.

Wish someone could wave a wand over me so I could stop thinking!

I Survived..

...a full week at work, with no tears, and didn't feel upset or even close to crying once! Even when people ask "how are you doing?", and give me THAT look of pity, the look guaranteed to bring on tears a few weeks ago, I was fine!

I haven't had any binges, haven't succumbed to the urges and the constant stream of rubbish running through my head. For example, went to the cinema on Weds night. I was feeling hungry still as didn't have a lot for tea. I had to go to the shop to pick up a few bits, and i'm walking round thinking "what should I get". Looked at choccies, popcorn, crisps, sweets. Didn't buy any. Thought I might buy some at the cinema instead. Bought a Sprite Zero at the cinema, no sweets or anything. Even considered buying a huge hot dog, but didn't. Then sat down to the film (The Iron Lady - really enjoyed it), and running through my head was, "I could get a Burger King on the way home", or "a chicken wrap is better value for money than BK". In the end I didn't buy anything (GO me!), and had nothing else to eat that night. But that is an example of what is going through my head, constantly. It's so annoying. One blip and I just know i'll start eating.

But, pat on the back for me, so far I am beating my demons :) It will get easier the more I ignore these little voices.

Actually, I did just have a binge. I ate loads of carrot sticks, lol. Does that count?!

Looking forward to weigh in on Monday, fingers crossed for a good result to keep me going. Hubster has been eating healthier since 1st Jan, and has lost a stone.

Well....

..... I know it's only day 2 but it's going well so far!! Yesterday, I had NO chocolate, or cake, or crisps, or biscuits. I was a good girl.

So far so good today too. Although still have around 5 hours before bed! But i've just eaten my tea and am stuffed to the gills, so shouldn't need anything else. I have some bananas and little orange things (not sure if they are clementines or not!), so they will suffice if I need nibble later.

I've survived 4 days at work so far, without any tears or stress. Doesn't sound much, but bearing in mind I couldn't get through 1 day without crying a couple of months ago, it's all steps in the right direction :)

There is a big box of Thornton's chocolates on the end of my desk at work (for some reason when people bring in chocolates/sweets they always end up at the end of my desk). Also, our office is right above the shop where they serve food. Bacon/sausage butties, toast etc until 10.30, then sandwiches and hot food. So we can smell foooood all day. It's like torture! And it's no wonder i've struggled with my diet since being in that office. We are moving in a few weeks though, so no more shop, which can only be a good thing!

Look - Up There ^

I've got a new ticker, eek!

It's about time I got cracking again and got some weight off. I weighed myself this morning on the Wii. Am 21 stones and 8 lbs, or 302 lbs, so not great, but not as bad as I thought. I can't let myself get above 315 lbs, which was my start weight last time.

I haven't got a plan of action yet, or meal plan or anything, just going with the flow for a couple of weeks and trying not to buy rubbish to pig out on in the evenings.

I've just had chicken fajitas for dinner, oooof, my mouth is on fire! (I used the whole packet of spices) Don't need anything else today, I wouldn't be able to taste it anyway!

Getting Back To Reality (Hopefully)

Firstly, thank you to everyone who took time to comment on my last post, it's good to know there are people out there supporting me :)

Also, very interesting point regarding the boiler and the carbon monoxide poisoning. Since the boiler has been out of action I haven't felt half as tired or suffered as many headaches! It could be linked I suppose. We now have a new boiler, hot water is so luxurious!! I really didn't realise how much I took it for granted!

I went back to work today. Eeek. Decided to go back on a Thursday so I can ease myself in for a couple of days before attempting a full week. My GP was very supportive, made sure I wasn't feeling pressurised in to going back, and said i've to go straight back to him if they start making life difficult for me, or I need any additional support.

All the backlog of work I was struggling with, has been cleared. So i've been basically given a clean slate (and around 100 emails) to get started with. I've only been given about 70% of my work back, initially for 4 weeks, then will start to increase back to my normal work load. So fingers crossed I can start to get back to normal again.

It is coming up to a year since Barry died, and I am hoping that psychologically that may be a turning point for me. Maybe now that all the "firsts" without him have happened, I can start to move on again, stop this stupid emotional eating. I'm cutting down already (or trying to). i'm totally skint, but it's like when I used to smoke, I always found the money for cigarettes, now I always seem to find the money for chocolate/other crap I could do without!

Long Time No Blog

It's been a while! Not much has changed. I'm still off work but planning to go back on Monday, although I have to see my doc again this week.

I went to the appointment about the weight loss clinic. It was embarresing to say the least. Went to reception and she said to take a seat with the rest of the them. They might as well have got the branding irons out, a group of people sat on chairs (I wasn't the biggest but not far from it), in front of a big sign saying "Adult Weight Loss Clinic", all segregated off from the rest of the waiting area. Then when they came out, they marched us all through the waiting room, therefore through the other waiting patients, into a room together. The plan sounds ok, and very well managed, but all appointments are on a Monday, Tuesday or Weds morning, which is no use for me when i'll be at work.

I've had a crap Xmas and New Year. I smashed my oven door a few days before Xmas, and the oven has been knackered for ages anyway, so need a new one. I cried every day, except Xmas day, from Christmas Eve to New Years Eve. The first Xmas without Barry, and it was emotional, he was always a big part of Christmas Day. On Boxing Day the boiler packed up, so we have no heating or hot water. British Gas have condemned it, we need a new one. Not impressed, so no oven, no heating, no hot water. Grrrreat!

Also, I had a cold 2 weeks before Xmas, then a stomach upset that lasted almost a week, then started with a chest infection on Xmas Eve, which is ongoing. Aaaaand Kieron started being sick at 8.30pm on Xmas Eve and is still not 100% now. It's awful trying to clean up after him with no hot water too!

I told myself, New Year New Start. Got to get back to losing weight. But i'm struggling to feel any different/more positive. I am going to stop with the binge eating though. I've started doing cross stitch again, so it keeps my hands busy in an evening instead of reaching for food. I'm going to weigh myself, but I have a feeling i'll be over the 23 st limit on the Wii :(

Hope everyone has had a better time than me over the festive period! Thanks Tim for your Christmas Wishes, which I have only just seen :)