Update

My appt at the docs went ok. He signed me off work for 2 weeks. He also told me off for not going back to see him after my last appt, as I was supposed to go back in 2 weeks but it was more like 2 months. I've to restart my tablets (which I did do last night) and go back to see him in 2 weeks (I will go back this time!)

He was shocked when I showed him my pic, it's clearly visible i've put a lot of weight on. He weighed me (yuk), and I haven't quite gained all the weight back I lost, but he was concerned that I have gained around 30 kgs in less than 12 months. He has referred me to a Weight Management Class, my first appt is on 9th December, which will be a group appt, to decided if i'm a suitable candidate. If I do the programme, it is a 12 month programme, under the care of a doctor, a dietician and a psychologist, which could be really helpful for me to finally get to the bottom of this emotional eating.

Thank you for the supportive comments :) Now, I must rush as I have to get the house ready for visitors, it's Kieron's 2nd Birthday, eeep, hows that happened!

Docs Today

I'm at the docs in an hour. I neeeeeeeeed to sort myself out. I haven't been in work since Wednesday, it got to a point where I was sat there in constant tears, I can't go on like this, so i'm taking some time to try to sort myself out.

The idea was to keep busy and sort my sh*thole pig sty of a house out, but at the moment it is taking me all my effort just to get out of bed and stay out of it until bed time.

I really need to get my act together regarding my weight. I haven't weighed myself but i'm fairly sure I am right back to where I started (if not heavier). I'm going to show the doc a pic of me taken less than 12 months ago, I need to get back to where I was then, so I hope he has a magic wand! I was so happy and full of confidence. Now I just can't be bothered with myself. My hair is grey as I havent dyed it since the day before Barry's funeral, I can't reach properly to shave my legs so disgusting am I, that I haven't shaved them since June. I am struggling to dress myself cos i'm so fat it's like being 9 months pregnant and unable to reach my feet. My breathing sounds awful, if I walk upstairs I can't breathe and am wheezy (although I do have a bad cough too at the moment). All these were triggers for me to lose weight in the first place, and I know I need to do it, so why do I keep eating? I never feel full.

This is my pic, can't really believe it is me

Still Exhausted & Other Things

I still seem to be in a permanent state of exhaustion. Like really really tired.

I was on annual leave when i last posted, then the week after I rang in sick at work. I had a tummy upset but it was nothing that would have normally kept me off work. I just couldn't face it. I spent the whole week (well from 8.30am to 1.30 pm each day) in bed. I managed to drag myself back in to work the last two weeks, but it is tough going.

I seem to feel ok for about a week to 10 days, then i'll crash again and for a week - 10 days I feel like crap. the tears start and don't stop. I think they just dry up eventually, then build up supply again for a week or so before they start again. Today is the start of a slump.

I'm not taking the tablets (so not really doing much to help myself). I think i'm bigger now than when I started WW just over 3 years ago. Jake said the other night that "I was nice when I was thin and not sad all the time", that hurt. But it didn't hurt enough to stop me bloody well eating.

I can't cope with my children, I don't have the energy to be a mum, it all seems too hard and i'm crap at it.

As soon as i get up in a morning, i'm counting the minutes until I can go to sleep again.

Have an appointment with works doc on Tues, see if they've got a magic wand, it's what I need.

Exhausted!

Wow, i've not felt this tired before, except during early pregnancy, that's a tiredness like none on earth! But, no, I am most definitely not pregnant, I just feel so exhausted. Like everything aches, i'm so tired!

Kieron's surgery went well yesterday. He has had a right orchidopexy (sounds dead complicated doesn't it!), but it's basically pulling his testicle down in to his scrotum as it hadn't descended as it should (can't remember if I previously said what the op was!). He two cuts, one on his tummy, one on his "googlies", as we call them! His surgeon did say the testicle was very high, and because the blood vessels attached are pulled so taut now there is a risk it could retract again, meaning more surgery, also the blood vessels could die, meaning the testicle does too, so fingers crossed for none of that happening. Check up in 3 months.

It usually takes 35 mins to get to Alder Hey, so we set off at 6.30am, giving us an hour and a half. We still got stuck, it took us an hour and 15 minutes to go 10 miles, one hour of that to go 1 mile! Shocking traffic. Anyway we got there only 20 minutes late at 8.20. I had to go with Kieron to theatre while they popped him of to sleep, was horrible and I bawled my eyes out. I thought something had gone wrong because his breathing went strange. He was fine within an hour of waking up, I was told to try him with a drink and some food, and it's a good job I took some with me, they came back after an hour to ask if he's eaten, even though they didn't actually offer us anything for him! He was soon wrecking the ward so we were kicked out pretty quick!

Last night I slept from 9.15 to 7am, then fell asleep with Kieron this morning from 10 to 12, and I still feel sooooo tired. Kieron seems fine today, although his "bits" are very bruised, and he can't have a bath until Sunday (ha ha no chance of lasting that long before he's desperate for one!), his dressings have come off anyway, and how am i supposed to keep his nappy area dry?

Tablets Now!

I finally picked up my tablets on Thursday. Yak, i've felt ill ever since the first one. All day yesterday my head was pounding (which, to be fair, I might've had a headache anyway), and things kept moving when I looked at them (walls and things!) I took the second one last night and was in bed 30 mins later, 8.30pm! So we'll see what today brings!

I haven't felt too bad this week actually. The non stop crying seems to have stopped, and the only time I felt anxious was before setting off to Alder Hey for Kieron's appointment. I have now convinced myself though that something is going to go wrong on Tuesday! All sorts of crazy thoughts going through my head, from the car breaking down, to getting stuck in traffic, to something actually going wrong in the op.

Went to the cinema on Weds, watched Crazy, Stupid, Love. It was ok. I'd recommend it when it's on tele if theres nothing else on at the same time! It's had great reviews, but I found it a bit slow going. I do like to not have to concentrate too much when at the cinema, but this was beyond easy watching!

No Tablets Yet

Still havent got around to picking up my prescription for the tablets. On Monday it was to late to get to the chemist after the docs.

Yesterday was a whirlwind. Had to take Kieron to Alder Hey, and he has been booked in for an operation on Tuesday (eek, panic), then came home, fed and watered the family, and had to be out the door again as I was meeting a friend, who'd very kindly offered me a free ticket for Peter Kay. I'm not his biggest fan, but I had a good night. It did me the world of good to get out of the house and to have a good laugh :)

Today, the chemist closes at 3, so by the time I was home from work it was too late.

So fingers crossed I should have them tomorrow. But typical things is, I don't feel too bad at the moment. All that crying I did last week seems to have stopped and i'm not ALWAYS on the verge of tears, just once or twice a day now. However, this happened last time, so I decided not to take the tablets and look where I am now.

Am off out again in a little while (2 nights on the run, shock horror), am going to the pictures with my old WW buddy Catherine, she'll get a shock when she sees me, and not a nice one. I really need to curb this "eating everything in sight" malarky!

Depression Questionnaire

Last time I went to the Dr, he did a questionnaire and I scored 14, he didnt do one today, so thought I would do my own - the results are below, and theres no surprises there. These results were after being truly honest with myself, not telling little lies like I did to the doc.

You have reached level 59 on the Goldberg scale.

0 - 9	Depression unlikely	21 - 35	Minor to moderate depression
10 - 17	Possibly minor depression	36 - 53	Moderate to severe depression
18 - 21	On the verge of depression	54+	Severe depression

Weekend and Monday

The weekend, all in all, wasn't too bad. I didn't cry all day Sat or Sunday, until about 30 minutes after jake came home from his regular Sunday at his Nanna's. I don't like to say this but he DRIVES ME CRAZY. I really can't cope with his behaviour, I will have to make a list of what he does, but basically, everything he does bugs me. He doesn't listen to a damn thing I ask him to do, his room and every other room he has been in is a wreck. He wets the bed most nights, so having to deal with that is annoying, although obviously I know it's not his fault.

On Sunday, myself and Darren and Olivia and Elliot went on a tour around Reebok Stadium, home of the (not so mighty) Bolton Wanderers. It was a good hour and a half, very interesting, although I wasn't too keen on having to climb 6 flights of stairs to get to the commentators gallery, 89 feet above the pitch!

I have been to the Dr today. Not much use really. He's given me some antidepressants, Citalapram, which I'm not sure if they sent me even more cuckoo last time I tried them. Have to go back and see him in two weeks.

Almost forgot. After the tour we went for a meal. I was opposite a mirror. Yuk. I look like my before picture again :(

Friday

Had a slightly better day. It didnt start off too great. Woke up crying again and cried a couple of times at work. Was collared by the manager who asked how things were going. I haven't mentioned too much about work but the last 3 months have been awful. Quite a lot of staff have left and they cannot be replaced due to "council cut backs". We now have 8 Payroll Officers, we used to have 23. Of the 8 of us left 3 are part time.

Anyway we had a chat and he's promised he is trying to put things in place to make the next couple of weeks easier (coming up to deadline and 2 of the full time staff are on annual leave and paternity leave), so hopefully things will improve. Another colleague has been off sick this past week, and "should" be in next week according to management, however the rest of us can't see him being back in. Two people at work have been offered sicknotes, and refused them as they don't want to let anyone down.

I think everyone is fairly convinced I won't be in next week. I'm not sure I will be myself, although being at home probably won't do me any good either, at least i'm keeping busy at work.

When I got home from work, I found 6 Crunchies had been posted through the door! This is related to my FB status last Friday, where I summed up a crap week, said thank F it's Friday and asked if anyone had a Crunchie!! Found out later that it was my Dad who put them through!

Weird Day

I had a bad day again today. The tears started as soon as I woke up. It's so strange to be crying and not knowing WHY.

Work was hard today. I'd just got in and was asked to send some information out to a Senior member of staff - I sent the wrong info and had to do it all again. I was passed the post and i'd looked through it 3 times before I realised that I hadn't actually registered anything on any of it, let alone taken out any of my work. Then I handed a few bits out to other colleagues. A bit later on an email came through about one of the pieces of work in the post, and I knew I'd seen it and that I'd passed it on. Looked through everyone's desk that I had handed post to, searched everywhere for an hour, then found it sat on my desk. I gave up and came home at that point.

I felt so strange today though at work. Felt "spaced out", like everything was happening around me but I wasn't really part of it. I used to take tranquilisers, and I felt like i'd taken 2 at once, used to get a similar feeling then.

It was Olivia's birthday today (my baby girl 12!) It was hard to get through this evening, and I feel so guilty that I can't seem to enjoy my children's birthdays.

Dreading work tomorrow, I really feel I can't function properly any more, I might as well have not bothered going in today with all the mistakes I made :(

Bad Day

Had a real downer of a day. All too common at the moment. Today was the 3rd day out of 5 (since last Thursday) that I have been in tears at work. The tears were already rolling down my face when my alarm went off this morning, and they didn't stop all day. Not quite a full on waterfall, just a constant trickle. If anyone is "nice" to me, the tears start again, so I need everyone to be horrible, haha. (And then i'd get all paranoid that everyone hates me and i'm horrible and don't deserve to be liked, so maybe nice is better, I don't know, my head hurts).

I've made an appointment to see the doc on Monday. I've been gradually getting more depressed over the last 12 months, and i've hit the point now where if I don't do something to help myself, i'll do something silly instead.

I want Barry (my stepdad) back. He "got" me like no one else seems to, and I knew that if I said something to him that sounded stupid to everyone else, that he would understand, he's had the same thoughts as me. He's given me many a pep talk, one of them being last December when I tried to jump in front of a car. I miss him lots :(

Changes

I've made a few changes, still playing around so things may change again!

I took on board the comments after my last post, and have decided to brighten things up a little around here. I've taken off my ticker as there's not much point in it being there at the moment!

I've changed the name of my blog to GemsStory, rather than GemsWWStory, as theres not much WW going on at the moment. I'm not too sure yet what, if anything, i'll be talking about! I have so much going around in my head right now, but i'm going to try to use this blog to "get well" again.

I'm leaving my pics up for now to remind of what I can do when I'm well and coping and life is good and that life won't always feel this crap :)

Erm - Hello!

Yes I went awol again. Still haven't sorted my head out, still gaining weight. I just don't know what to do to get myself out of this rut.

Someone called me a "fat cow" the other day. Wow, that hurt. I mean, I know i've gained a lot of weight and I am hugely overweight again, but to overhear someone say that, it was a sharp slap in the face.

It's led to me having a total breakdown the last 2 days. None stop crying, and the worst thing, instead of giving me a kick up the backside, i've eaten loads. Can't stop shoveling it in :(

Rarrrr I hate me :(

Behaving Myself!

First of all , thank you to Tim for such a lovely comment on my last post :)

My kick up the arris on Saturday seems to have done the trick so far! I have been eating healthier, and I have cut out all the rubbish (cakes, pastries, chocs, crisps, bombay mix, cola/cherryade), haven't had any all week so far.

I got the courage together to weigh myself on Sunday, on the Wii, and as expected I have gained 3 stones, since April :/ Im now back up to 18.5 stone or 258 lbs.

I think my body is on a crash down from it all though, I have been having headaches, and my stomach, without going into TMI, is off! Probably withdrawals from the thousands of calories and all the sugar/fats I was scoffing.

SO you can get an idea of what I was eating on a typical day (im doing this to shock myself too, it always looks worse written down)

Breakfast - 2 toasted teacakes drowning in butter

Morning snack - banoffee flapjack

Lunch - sandwich (usually a large baguette), or 2 pasties, followed by a cake or danish pastry

Afternoon stodge (too much for a snack) - packet crisps (usually a big Grab Bag), bar of choc (normal size), can of cherryade/cola. I have been known to buy 3 iced fingers or large cookies and eat them all

Dinner - lots of takeaways, either chicken burger & chips, or Mighty Meaty (10 imch) pizza, with onion rings & garlic bread, or a chinese/indian

Evening - packet bombay mix or large bag crisps, large bag M&M's or family size choc bar, and sometimes a double pack of cake (choux buns, new york cheesecake, raspberry turnovers)

Yak

Been AWOL and Struggling

So its almost 3 months since my last post. I fell totally off the WW wagon, yet again. I have binged my way back to an unhealthy weight, i'm now struggling to get into size 22 clothes.

Yesterday I went to a meet off a forum i'm a member of, and having seen the photos ive realised what i've done to myself.

So im giving myself a big kick up the arris to do something about this, it cant carry on. I know a lot of this is emotional eating, its my way of "self harming" I suppose. I need to sort my head out, am going to try to find a counsellor to help me. I want to try to avoid taking any medication.

I havent weighed myself, i'm too ashamed :(

Week 3 Weigh In

3rd week on plan, and I lost 1lb this week, taking my total to 10lbs in 3 weeks, which is overall, a good loss. However, I still couldn't help feeling disappointed after all the work I put in this week

I ate all my 33 daily points allowance, only 4 of my 49 weekly allowance, and I also did loooooooooads of exercise, really putting in the effort. So I thought I would have a 2-3lb loss this week.

Right now, im really struggling with the urge to binge. I am fighting it, but I feel like im weakening! Part of doing this entry now is to try and talk myself out of it! I know I dont need to eat anything other the meals I already have planned. Why is this sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bloody hard?

Lovely Weekend!

The sun has shone all weekend and its been lovely! I played outside with the children yesterday afternoon. Wore myself out bouncing around on the trampoline!!

I went to the cinema last night with Olivia and Elliot, we watched Rio, I thought it was really good! It cured me of my Saturday night binge-fests too. I had a Dr Pepper zero, and no food!

Today, Olivia, Elliot and I went to Ingleton Waterfalls and walked the trail. Ive mentioned it before on here, it is a 8km trail around some waterfalls, with some spectacular views, and hundreds of blinking steps!! The weather was gorgeous, although possibly a little bit too hot for climbing all those steps!

A couple of pics!!

Olivia and Elliot sat on "The Money Tree" - which is a fallen tree upon which lots of people have placed money into the bark. I love

this picture!!

This waterfall is called Thornton Force and is the biggest of the falls. We had our picnic overlooking this.

Elliot is halfway up the steepest climb here, climbing to the top of Thornton Force. This part of the trail is

reeeeeeallllllllly hard!!

This is me, as we start the downward descent, and very relieved I was too. I think this could be Beezley Falls in the background.

So we are shattered but feeling good. AND I have survived a WHOLE weekend without binging!

Stupid Wii Fit!!

Yesterday I went into Bolton (my local town centre), on the bus, for a little walk round. Just as I got there, it came over the radio on the bus that all buses to the town centre had been stopped for the foreseeable future, due to an "incident". It turned out this was a bomb scare, and half the town was cordoned off. So I had a nice surprise walk home (roughly 3.5 miles I think!). Never mind, the thought of racking up activity points kept me going!

I ate really well yesterday, I had toast with peanut butter and banana for breakfast, soup and ryvita for lunch, a huge salad and a WW meal for dinner, and snack wise I had a WW chocolate bar, an apple and after dinner a WW dessert. I ended the day 3 points under my allowance,

Last night I did workout 4 on the ea Active 2 (im really enjoying this!!), and a step class workout too, so about 30 minutes of moderate to high exercise.

I then got on the Wii Fit and had apparently gained 3lbs!!! I have now fallen out with the stupid thing, I dont think I could have gained 3 lbs in 1 day if i'd have gone on the biggest of all binges, so I certainly havent after the day I had yesterday!

Week 2 Weigh In

Weigh day again! Im sure it comes round quicker each week!! I lost half a pound this week.

Its a loss, and half a pound in the correct direction, and it means 9lbs over 2 weeks so all in all I know I should be happy...BUT!!...I exercised my behind off this week! I worked really hard, i've been on the Wii Fit every day, I did an exercise DVD, and i've also followed the ea active 2 planner, so I have done the 3 exercise routines it planned for me, plus one extra just for the hell of it! So, I was kind of hoping for a bit more than half a pound!

Never mind, I shall carry on and it will result in a fab loss next week (pretty please oh god of the weighing scales!!)

Ouch!!

The word for today is OUCH! Said every time I move!

I *think* I may have overdone the exercise just a little yesterday! I did the Fat Attack workout. Managed to complete it, and I remembered most of it, despite not having done it for probably 6 years! Just shows how often I used to do it! I used to rewind it and do it again at one time! Dont think i'm quite at that stage yet!

I then decided to have a half hour on the Wii Fit Plus, doing a few lunges and other exercises for legs and hips.

I then bought ea Active 2 for the Wii. It comes with a USB thingy to record all your stats, a heart rate monitor and a leg strap which enables the Wii to read your position. It's very similar to Biggest Loser, but I must admit I found it a lot better than Biggest Loser. I did workout number 1 last night (about 25 minutes high intensity), and then did Workout 2 this morning. I really struggled this morning though, due to my legs aching so much!

I also ordered Just Dance 2 for the Wii, so looking forward to that arriving :)

Grrrr - Again!

Ive eaten too much over the weekend! I really wish I knew why I do it. Eat and Eat and Eat, even though im not hungry and I know I shouldnt be eating.

Anyway! Back on track from today. I dont think i've eaten over my 49 points allowance, although I didnt track everything I ate so I may have done. But I think as long as I stick within my daily points for the rest of the week, and I hammer my activity points then I should be ok come weigh in time, fingers crossed!

Im going to attempt a fitness DVD this morning. I havent done it for years (in fact, the last time I did it, it was on a video rather than DVD, I havent opened it since buying it on DVD!!) Its Rosemary Conley's Fat Attack.

Activity Challenge

Forgot to mention that I managed to do another of the activity challenged mentioned in last weeks class. I put some music on and did some energetic housework! It really livens up the dull task of cleaning!

So I combined 2 challenges, energetic housework and having a boogie!

We have a new leader from next week, her name is Paula, but I didnt really get chance to speak to her and I had to leave before she was introduced to the group. Fingers crossed she can keep us all motivated!

Im still going well on the plan. Was very disappointed yesterday to discover that 1 measly pint of cider has a whopping 7 propoints!! Wont be drinking that again! Good job I only had the one! It was a liquid lunch for me!

Woop :)

I lost 8.5 lbs this week!! SO pleased with that! It almost makes up for the fact that my hips are agony! May have slightly overdone the Wii Fit this week, oops!

It is my friends funeral tomorrow. We have been asked to wear Manchester United tops, but I just cant do that, im a devout Bolton Wanderers fan! I will however wear red, and a scarf I got a few weeks ago from Old Trafford when Bolton played there.

RIP Julian, hope you are sleeping well

It's Weigh Day!

Its weigh day already. Ive stuck to plan all week, I have managed on just my daily points allowance, and havent had any of the 49 weekly points, so I am hoping for a fab week 1 weigh in!

Ive been on Wii Fit a couple of times, and theres a weight loss on there so far! I was 16st 2lbs last week, so im hoping to be under 16st.

Feeling a lot better in general, now im back in control of my eating, everything else seems to fall into place around me too. Im actually off work at the moment with stress related illness, still struggling to come to terms with my stepdad's death. But i do feel much better already.

Will report back later :)

Survived :)

I survived Saturday night, and ended the day with 2 propoints leftover, and my 49 weekly points intact!

I also have managed to stick to it today. Although I have learnt a lesson! We ate out for lunch, and I ordered a jacket potato with tuna mayo, knowing it came with a salad. It also came with salad dressing, rarrrr. I didnt know what the dressing was and the place was mad busy so couldn't be bothered to find out! So I didnt eat the salad, and i've learnt to ask for no dressing next time!

We went for a walk today to one of our favourite places, Hollingworth Lake. So ive had a little activity today too. I would normally walk round at least twice, but with all the children we only did the one lap (its about 2.5 miles). But I did have a go on the adventure playground too, which involved lots of climbing and balancing and rope walking! I looked a right wally!

Eeek Its Saturday Night

It is notoriously my night for failing and falling spectacularly from the wagon.

Im doing well so far :) Me and hubby have a couple of DVDs to watch (Case 39 and Due Date), so I should be able to stop from munching. However I still have 9 propoints left, and havent touched my 49 weekly ones yet, so if i fancy something during the film I may indulge! I shouldnt go overboard as will be with hubby, and normally all my binge eating is done is secret, so that urge should stay away!

I did my WW challenge this morning with the children, we put a CD on and danced for about a half hour, I did build up quite a bit of a sweat so it did me some good! The children all thought I was a bit mad though!!

Getting Back On It!

I went back to my normal meeting last night. I weighed in at 16 st 2 lbs, so ive gone up quite dramatically, but then I knew I had.

I've got myself a brand shiny new ticker for my blog! And ive got everything new at the meetings, its a brand new start for me. Ive even reregistered on WW website as a new user (Im now tiny'smrs, instead of gems 2008).

The subject at this weeks meeting was increasing activity levels. We were all given little challenges to do, so examples are:-

* to do an exercise DVD twice

* to do some energetic housework (glad I didnt get this one!)

* to use a piece of exercise equipment

I got "put some music on and have a good boogie". Nothing too difficult there!

Hello Again

I have quite clearly been MIA (missing in action), or non action as is the case. I once again spectacularly fell off the wagon.

I dont know what the damage is yet, but im going to go back to weightwatchers and find out. A friend died on Monday, ive know him for 15 years, but more recently we'd seen each other every week as we were both members at WW. He'd done very very well and had lost over 7 stone. He was so so happy, and he'd met someone special and anyone could see they were mental about each other. So sad that he's been taken so suddenly and when he was so happy. He was only 44. Its hearing about this that has made me determined to start living life again, starting with getting my ass back in gear and finally getting to my goal weight.

Im starting as a whole fresh new start at Weightwatchers, so fingers crossed :)

Good Girl Today!!

Ive had

Breakfast - Shredded Wheat bitesize & skimmed milk

Lunch - jacket potato with chicken curry (ate out at soft play centre), with side salad

Dinner - weightwatchers mexican chilli plus side salad

Snacks - apple, packet french fries, alpen light bar

Drinks - 3 teas, 1 coffee, 4 glasses water & a 500ml bottle water

I took Kieron to a soft play centre and spent a good hour climbing and chasing him, and sliding down slides!! Then we went to an outdoor park and after 10 minutes playing on there, we went for a walk around the lake to say hello to the ducks. Then we walked to the local shops, and picked Olivia, Elliot and Jake up from school, then went to another park on the way home. SO ive had quiet an active too. And i should sleep well tonight as im shattered :)

Better Today

Felt a bit better today, although still felt like kicking something while at work, but I guess we all feel like that now and then!

Today i've had:

Breakfast - special k & skimmed milk

Lunch - wholemeal baguette, tiny bit of mayonnaise, lettuce, red onion, chicken

Dinner - WW ocean pie, 2 slices bread

Snacks - banana, apple, grapes, packet french fries, packet yoghurt breaks

Drinks - 3 coffees, 2 teas, 6 glasses water, can diet coke

Hard Day Today

Ive really struggled through today. Its 5 weeks since Barry died, we got his post mortem report yesterday, and it says that he had a prolonged period of unconsciousness before death occured, which is very upsetting as we were told he died instantly. He still wouldnt have known anything about it, but its brought up a whole new heap of hurt and anger, and why's and what ifs.

I spent all day wanting to punch something or kick something or just to jump up and down and scream, but as I was at work I just cried instead. I also had to calculate some timesheets, the same group of timesheets I was calculating when I got the phone call to say he'd been found dead, so that brought it all back too.

Ive managed not to deal with today by eating though! Ive had another good day food wise.

Breakfast - Oats So Simple (apple & blueberry) & skimmed milk

Lunch - small baguette with hot beef and red onion (I'd run out of Ryvitas and didnt fancy soup on its own!!)

Dinner - pasta and bolognase

Snacks - small banana, apple, grapes, yoghurt breaks

Drinks - 4 (or 5, cant remember!) glasses water, 3 coffees, 1 tea

Day 2

Day 2 (again!!) and its gone ok I think!

Breakfast - Oats So Simple raspberry flavour with skimmed milk

Lunch - Tin vegetable soup and 4 ryvitas

Dinner - ww chicken curry and rice, 2 slices milk roll

Snacks - small banana, large portion grapes, Go Ahead yoghurt breaks (1 packet)

Drinks - 7 (ish) large glasses water, 2 coffees, 2 teas (yes i have been running to the loo all day too!)

In answer to Tims comment, I havent decided on a set routine yet, im just taking things day by day and seeing how it goes. I will try to get something more structured in place once im back in the swing of things.

Im looking for some sort of charity event to sign up to, that will inspire me to pick up my exercise and continue loosing weight so I can be successful at whatever I decide to do. I did a 10k Race For Life last year and really enjoyed it, so might sign up again for that.

Oops I Did It Again!

Fell off the wagon again after that Saturday night binge :(

Back to work today again though, so fingers crossed I can get back into routine once again and get my weight going back in the right direction.

Got weighed today and was 15st 5lbs, eep.

Ive cancelled my weightwatchers membership, and am going it alone for the near future, so will see how that goes, I can always go back if im struggling.

Todays food:

Breakfast: special K & skimmed milk

Lunch: tin veg soup & 4 ryvita

Tea: ww chicken & dumplings, 2 slices bread with flora light

Snacks: small banana, packet ww crisps

Not So Good..

...Yesterday. Saturday nights are officially my weak spot! I need to find myself something to do on a Saturday other than sit in front of the TV eating rubbish.

Breakfast - 2 slices toast with peanut butter and banana (this was really filling and kept me feeling more than full until lunch time)
Lunch - jacket potato and beans and salad (we ate out again!)
Dinner - baguette with lettuce, onion and steak and a little light mayo (this wasnt very good, the steak was cheap and very tough and it just didnt satisfy me, which could have led to me eating too much later)
Snacks - pineapple, grapes, strawberries (fruit salad in the afternoon). This evening it all went a bit wrong and i had a tin of rice pudding (shared it with Kieron, but i had more than half), 2 inches of french bread with margarine and jam, 2 slices of toast with marg and jam and a packet of WW crisps. So it could have been worse!

Food Today

Breakfast - 1 and half slices toast with peanut butter and banana (this was lovely, I cant believe i've never thought of having it before!!)
Lunch - jacket potato and beans, with salad (lettuce, cucumber, mixed peppers and red onion)
Dinner - chicken chow mein
Snacks - alpen light bar

I took Kieron to a soft play place today, it was fab, we had such a good time. I felt like i'd done a heck of a workout though, as once I showed Kieron the slide, we had to climb up and slide down over and over and over and over and over (you get what I mean!). I stopped counting after the 17th time! I should sleep tonight, am shattered!

Today's Grub!

Today ive had
Breakfast - same again (going to have something different tomorrow!!)
Lunch - wholemeal roll, lettuce, onion, chicken & some mayo (full fat mayo naughty naughty!)
Tea - Asda Good For You chicken hot pot
Snacks - large banana, alpen light bar

Also need to add an alpen light bar to yesterdays food too.

Havent done as well with the water today, only had 2 or 3 glasses I think, but was so busy at work, as Ive finished today for a week of with the little un! So, as im off for a week, this is when im going to have to really dig deep for my will power, fingers crossed I can avoid too much temptation.

Thanks Tim for the suggestion of what to do with hub's chocolate - I will try that next time! I have to add also that he ate the entire lot to himself, bleurgh! Even on the maddest of mad binges I dont think I could have eaten all that!

Going Good So Far!

Thank you once again for the encouraging comments following my last post. Im not quiet there yet with my enthusiam, but my will power is kicking in good and strong, so fingers crossed my weight can start going back in the right direction now!

I want to record what I eat each day so I can look back so here goes:
Monday
Breakfast = Special K & skimmed milk
Lunch = ww soup & 3 ryvita
Tea/Dinner = chicken fajitas (chicken, peppers, onions, salsa & 2 tortilla wraps)
My daughter gave me a heart shaped lolly for Valentines Day so we shared that between us.

Tuesday
Breakfast - Special k & skimmed milk
Lunch = vegetable soup (tin of) & 4 ryvitas
Tea = one chicken breast, new potatoes & carrots
Snacks = large fruit salad (kept me going in the afternoon at work!), alpen light bar

Wednesday
Breakfast = Same
Lunch = Same as Tuesday
Tea = large portion penne pasta with tuna & light mayo
Snacks = large fruit salad again, packet ww crisps

Ive also been drinking water, lots of it, so getting much more exercise running to the loo all day!! Today ive had 6 large (or what I would call large anyway) glasses.

Had a sneaky weigh in, even though its only been 2 days, and ive already lost 3lbs, so feel like im getting back on track.

Husband doesnt help. Last night he went to the shop and came back with a large bag of Revels, 4 Boosts and some milky way choc bars, and spent a good 5 minutes waving them under my nose. Im glad to say i declined, and felt good about it afterwards! I also really really really wanted some peanut butter on toast (one of my face snacks), but managed to resist!

Oh. Eck!

I went back to work today, my first day back since Barry died. I realise I have put on some weight so went and bought 2 pairs of size 16 trousers on Saturday (bearing in mind size 14 were too big before Christmas).

They dont fit. Eek.

So I went to get weighed at lunchtime today, find out how bad the damage is.

Eeek again, Worse than I thought.

15 st 2lbs.

Eek. Ive put on a stone in the just over 3 weeks since I went to the doctors. Over 2 stone since just before Christmas. Im disgusted at myself.

So

_____________________________________________________________

Thats my line drawn, its done, the damage is there and there's only one thing for it - get back on track. So im going to try to cut out all snacking, as this is my downfall and have 3 healthy meals a day.

Today has been - special K for breakfast, ww soup and 3 ryvita for lunch and we're having chicken fajitas for tea. Im not counting points, im just going to try this approach for a while, and I havent decided if im going back to meetings or not, dont really see the point if im not following their plan, but im not making any decisions just yet.

Happy Valentines Day. We wont be doing anything to celebrate, as usual!!

Emotional

Im feeling all emotional tonight. I know its to be expected, I havent really felt it apart from when I very first found out about Barry dying.

He lived in a council flat, which was obviously boarded up after the police breaking in, and the lovely council wouldnt let us have access until we paid his rent up front. So we paid 2 weeks and we now have only until 11th February to sort out his flat. So there'll be no taking our time or doing it when we're ready. We went round today, and firstly I had to clean up where he had died, which wasnt pleasant. His glasses were on the floor, all bent out of shape, which got my heartstrings quite a bit. Also, the paramedics had left print outs from a heart machine of some sort and the pads they must have attached to him, lying on the floor, which was very distressing to find. His post mortem results came back yesterday too, he had an anuerysm in his brain, we are assured he would have died instantly and known nothing about it, which helps to know he didnt suffer. His funeral is next Tuesday.

We managed to sort all his clothes out. One thing for him, he was ridiculously neat and tidy!! This is good though as it makes it all much easier to sort his stuff out. There's just so much of it.

In other news, my friend Helen (who I was bridesmaid for last June), is pregnant and had her 3 month scan today. Im so so chuffed for her, it was seeing her scan picture today that made my tears start falling, a new little life just starting, when another has come to such a sudden end.

Weightwatchers - whats that?! Lets not go there, back to binging and eating far too much and gaining weight at a rapid pace. I'll get back to it once this week is over, i'll do it for Barry, he was sooo proud of me and I want to carry on making him proud.

Catch Up Time

Day 1 went fantastically well, until 6.30pm when I cracked and binged :(

Day 1 hasnt happened again since.

I've had neuralgia (or so I thought) since before Christmas, ive really been suffering with pain in my face, I didnt realise how much it was getting me down. Well, I bit the bullet on Tuesday and went to the dentist in case it was a problem with my teeth. Came out minus one badly infected wisdom tooth and faceacheless, yay.

I went into work yesterday feeling like a new woman, raring to go again, my positiveness was back. ANd then my world came crashing down.

My mum's partner, Barry, my stepdad since I was 14, doesnt live with my mum any more but they were still a couple and were going on holiday tomorrow. They planned a shopping trip for yesterday, meeting at 12 to get some last minute bits and pieces. Barry didnt show up at 12, very unlike him as he's a stickler for timekeeping. By 130 my mum was worried enough to go check his flat, no answer but the windows were open and he wasnt answering his phone or buzzer. My mum rang me to see what she should do so I told her to ring the police for advice. They broke in and found that he'd passed away, some time since leaving my mum's house on Monday at 5.30. We still dont know whats happened but they think it was very sudden.

Im in shock, my mums in bits, we cant believe it. It has cured my binge eating for now though, I cant eat a thing.

RIP Barry, a very very special person 9.3.49 to 26.01.11 Night Night God Bless

A pic here I took of him at a childrens christmas disco in December, he was having such fun singing along to the kiddies music!!

Day 1

So its Day 1 back on plan, its 9.40 am and I already feel like im struggling! Normally on day 1 I feel so empowered and raring to go and so positive. Right now I want crisps and chocolate, and to sit and eat nonstop like I have been doing.

Anyway so far I have had 4 points, porridge and milk. Im going to try really hard to stick at it, I know once i've got back into it the cravings will disappear and i'll be able to focus properly, and once I see the weight coming off again it'll keep me going.

AM going to try to get out for a walk today too, I havent been doing any exercise at all. It wont be easy with my 6 year old in tow, he gets upset by the end of the street, really doesnt like walking!!

As always, thank you all for your encouraging comments, im going to use them to spur me on and keep going.

FIngers Crossed!

I think I may be back (again)! As you can probably gather from my lack of posting, things have not been too good. I have binged my way back to 200lbs (just over 14 stones). I have been struggling with feelings of depression and eating none stop. I can sit and eat solidly for 3 hours of an evening, even when i feel so sick. I finally went to the doctors yesterday to beg for help.

I told him I have an eating disorder. I realise most people would say that an eating disorder means you're skinny through not eating or from binging and being sick. Well, my food habits are not normal either and I have serious food issues going on. To gain 10lbs in 2 weeks is not healthy. My doctor was very impressed with how much weight i'd lost, he commented on it as soon as I walked into his office. He took me seriously, has prescribed me a low dose of antidepressants and promised me he will find me someone to talk to.

I am not going to do Propoints. I dont like it, I feel restricted by it. I was happy doing the old plan (Vintage Points or VP) so im going back to that. I will see how it goes for a couple of weeks, if im still not feeling happy, then im sorry weightwatchers but it'll be Slimming World for me.

Keep your fingers crossed for me that making the decision to follow VP is enough to get me through this blip and im soon back on my way to goal!

Official Weigh In

I went to meeting last night, it was the first weigh in since 9th December, and i'd gained 9lbs! I was 13st 11 at Boots on Tuesday, but was 13st 6lbs last night, so i've either lost 5lbs since Tuesday or one of the sets of scales are a bit out!! As i've gone from eating all the crap I can get my hands on to sort of being good, I could very well have lost 5lbs since Tuesday.

Had another binge last night, but i think i got it out of my system! I had a HUGE Toblerone bar and made myself feel very sick!

So back onwards and inwards from today, thank you again for your encouragement! My initial target is to get the 9lbs i've gained off, by say mid Feb. Ive set myself a target of getting to goal weight by 12th July. Thats not a special date, i just pinched it off a friend of mine who is also aiming to get to goal by that date!!

Here Goes (I Think!)

I think I am ready to get going again!

Thank you to you all who took the time to comment on my last post. I havent yet been to the doctors, im going to give it a week or so and see if I feel better once im back in my normal routine, both life/children/work wise and with the weightwatchers. If things still arent right then i'll be off to the docs.

I went and weighed myself at Boots today, so I can prepare myself mentally for weigh in on Thursday. My weight is 13st 11 lbs, or 193 lbs, which is a gain of 1 stone, or 14lbs. Im not thrilled about this but I was obviously expecting it, im just glad it wasnt more than a stone, i dont think I could have coped had it been more!! I've had a good day today, no naughty foods so fingers crossed im now ready to be back on track.